So many of us apologize for our tears. Even at a funeral, or when euthanizing a dear pet. When remembering a time when our heart was broken, or sitting with someone we love going through a terrible time. I hear people say: “I don’t like crying because I have to be strong” “I don’t want anyone to see me crying because I don’t want to be a burden” “Crying doesn’t bring anyone back or change the situation, so what’s the use?” Tears can activate our inner critic, igniting self-blame or even self-hatred.
Well, our tears can’t bring anyone back to life, and they can’t turn back time and change a situation. Tears can’t give us back what we miss, or protect our loved ones from suffering. But, tears are strong. Crying is powerful. Tears are the tide that carries us through our losses. They aren’t meant to turn back time or to restore what’s been lost. They can’t change the past, but tears can and do change us. That’s their function, to help us know who we are after we’ve felt life’s deep losses.
We have all suffered, and many of us have been taught to bear suffering in silence, and alone. When we can’t share our tears with another person, we can end up dry, isolated, seething with anguish internally, and unable to feel real happiness or gratitude. We think that when we deny our tears and bite down on our sadness, we are “strong;” we are “positive;” we are “there for others.” But really, damming up our river of grief prevents us from connecting deeply with our own happiness and wisdom, and also prevents us from connecting in satisfying ways with the people around us.
How to cry? An excellent way to access tears is to listen to sad music, lie down hugging a pillow, and allow the sadness to envelop and carry us into our own grief and loss. Watching sad or poignant movies can also help us feel our grief. When feeling sad, it can also help to just sit quietly and see where in your body you’re feeling sadness. How do you know you’re sad? Is the sensation in your throat? Chest? Belly? Head? See what it’s like to just lie quietly and allow the sensations to wash over you.
As a Counselor, I am very open to tears and expressions of emotion. In a therapy session, when sadness arises, I’m curious. I want to know about your feelings of sadness, anger, jealousy, hurt—as well as your joys and passions. I am here to help you experience and release the tears that can bring you relief and carry you forward into a new era of your life.