Codependency arises out of terror.

Kindness arises spontaneously out of curiosity and empathy.

Codependency arises out of feelings of lack.

Kindness arises out of a trust in plenty for everyone.

Codependency is rigid, stuck in a looping pattern that only brings more suffering.

Kindness is freely-flowing, leading us and those around us upward and outward in expanding circles of contentment and intimacy.

Codependency holds on tight, even to situations that are hurting everyone involved.

Kindness is open-handed, allowing situations to release, even if the release involves loss and grief.

Codependency is afraid to grieve or to allow grieving in others.

Kindness, arising out of the grieving process, allows us to ride the waves of grief with others.

Codependency is afraid to tell the truth.

Kindness is the truth.

Codependency is exhausting and leads to resentment.

Kindness is invigorating and leads to contentment.

Codependency feels lonely and leads to mistrust of others and isolation.

Kindness feels connected and leads to real community and healthy solitude.

Codependency sees uncomfortable emotions as being bad, negative, and in need of fixing.

Kindness sees emotions as giving important signals that lead to growth, and accepts and supports all feelings in self and others.

Codependency is stuck in the Drama Triangle.

Kindness sees the Drama Triangle with compassion, while avoiding its rigid roles.

Codependency wants to control outcomes. (If I do this, then this should happen)

Kindness trusts in the moment, that the action of kindness is all that’s needed.

Codependency arises out of distorted thinking.

Kindness arises out of wisdom.

Codependency tends to blame either the “other” person, or the self.

Kindness doesn’t judge or blame, just acknowledges the reality of the moment and offers what’s available and appropriate (if anything).

Codependency supports and increases difficult and distorted behaviors and thinking both in ourselves and in the people we are trying to help. We notice that relationships don’t change, or get worse.

Kindness, especially over time, supports growth, healing, and healthy change in ourselves and those around us. We notice that relationships (with ourselves and others) improve and become more healthy (or that unhealthy relationships end in effortless ways).

Codependency focuses on the “other” person and changing “them.” (“If they change, I will be happy”)

Kindness focuses on the self as the only agent of growth, power, and change. (“I trust that as I value and support myself, my life and the lives of those around me, will improve”)

Codependency arises out of toxic shame—the belief that I am a bad person, only worthy of care if I’m giving selflessly (i.e. ignoring my own legitimate emotional and physical needs) to others.

Kindness arises spontaneously when I know that I am a worthy, loveable, and deserving person.

Codependency thrives when I am cut off from my body and emotions, and take actions to prevent myself from connecting with my true self, body, and feelings (i.e., using addictive behaviors of all kinds to remain numb)

Kindness thrives when I am aware of my body and emotions, and take actions to support my overall health.

Codependency arises out of anxiety.

Kindness arises out of serenity.

The internal voice of Codependency is that of the Critical Parent—harsh, critical, loud, black-or-white, generating feelings of shame, sadness, fear, rage, hatred (self-hatred).

The internal voice of Kindness is that of the Loving Parent or Higher Power—calm, quiet, common-sensical, flexible, accepting, generating feelings of peace, integration, acceptance.